I Get It

I had a lot of re writes and time to think over the past couple of years And I have come to realise that sometimes just telling someone about your journey may help them in some small way so it’s worth it no matter what. Now I can be quite easily annoyed or ticked off so may come off incredibly like a pain in the ass but I am always a straight shooter and will tell it how it is so this is no exception. This is my weight loss struggle and it’s not pretty. I am Samantha Oldham manager of Ora Sports Fitness & I get it.

I have always battled with my self imagine, self worth and weight I never felt like I was good enough even at my smallest (when my weight was shockingly underweight) I went through a number of years battling eating disorders, pill popping, secret eating or binge exercising in order to make those happy around me. I was never happy I was either to small, to big, to muscly to something. So eating or lack of eating was on my mind.

I remember I use to go to the chemist in the afternoon before weigh ins buy two packets of the strongest over the counter laxatives and be up all night dehydrating myself & emptying my body just to be skinnier when I weighed in the next day. I would lie to the chemist and say I have a scan or I need to prep when she started getting suspicious of my behaviour I then went to a different chemist to avoid the questions. I fell for those infomercials that said pop this pill or that pill it will help you lose weight or that it holds all the fat together so it just gets expelled from your body rather than bring absorbed. I feel for those thermal pills that supposedly increase your body temperature to burn fat – anything and everything I tried.

I spent years punishing my body which lead me to believe I was ugly, had no value, was worthless so then I ate I would buy whole family sized blocks of chocolate, red rooster family meals, family sized pizzas with garlic bread and desert eat it all then throw it up & spend 3-4 hours in the gym I got up to over 125kgs. I was on a vicious cycle everyday I promised myself today would be the last day then I would get up and do it again. I would work out every single calorie I ate then refused to leave the gym until I burnt it off or passed out (even tho that’s not how it works) I literally went from over eating to not eating to over training then to not training over and over again!

I fantasied about my weigh in days just so I could binge, I hid rappers of food in my room, ate late at night/in my car or denied eating just so I could eat more or tell people I ate then ate nothing for days only licking on one barley sugar a day so I didn’t pass out. My body was either getting punished for eating or deprived food for days on end. Now this cycle didn’t just end, I didn’t magically wake up and feel better and say it’s over, there was no major life event -nothing it took time to heal to retrain myself – to retrain my way of thinking but I still slipped & I did a lot of damage to my body after years of abuse.

Starting over and over again is hard. And no matter how many YouTube motivation videos, or fancing sayings or visualisation tools are out there you still slip. It’s the voice in your head that is winning that is dominate that says just eat it – I need it or your fat don’t eat it but the scary thing is those phrases may also come from the people who are closest to you.

Now I’m not telling you this because I want your sympathy, I’m telling you this because I had to restart my fitness journey after over a year of the hardest battle of my life and I have come out the other side and I work in the fitness industry. I wrote this because you need to know that your not alone and when I tell you I know – I  know what your going through. I have been there, I’ve lived it, I’ve experienced but I also know you can do it!

I know the midnight cravings
I know the emotional eating
I know the feeling of shame, doubt, sadness, emptiness and numbness
I know how tired you are
I know how there are so met temptations out there
I know how dark it can get
I know how obsessive you can become
I know the scales don’t always reflect your work output
I know how much it sucks to skip a cupcake or glass of wine
I know you may feel or be completely alone but your not.

I never thought fitness would be my career but I feel in love with it. Yes some days it sucks I mean really sucks and the judgement is the most part (especially when no one knows your story) but with me there is no judgement.

This one industry where you can’t buy your success you create your success and I’m here to help you on your journey, I have two amazing people and I hope you allow me to be one in your life. Yes, sometimes it will be frustrating I’ll get frustrated, you’ll get frustrated but I’m are here for you. No matter how many times you have to start over I can guarantee I have done it just as much as you. One of my favourite quotes is that when life knocks you down land on your back because if you can look up you can get up!

I struggle still, I get upset, I put unrealistic expectations on myself and I pressure myself to be better to be perfect but my experience/ experiences remind my of why I can’t go back & if I can stop someone from feeling the way I did then this long winded post did its job. So I keep moving forward. The only thing you have to remember is while you are here – I’m standing right beside you! You will achieve your goal, you will become the person you want, you will be you! No matter how many days, weeks, months or years it takes! Be YOU & know it’s time to get to work!